He lived a life that wasn’t meant to have me in it. Because of a choice he made. He was the one who opted to have me, and not know it. I wish I could be angry with you, my sweet, lovely, yet elderly dad. And I am left with all of these unnameable feelings and no place to put them.
I look at your eyes and I know it's you, right away, without thinking. My stomach sinks. My eyes are your eyes. Later my mind goes into overdrive, searching for all the ways that it might not be true. This could all be a mistake on my part. I ended up on your son’s social… Continue reading I am foolish
DNA testing to try to find my missing biological family started to crack the shell a bit. It uncovered repressed feelings on the subject that I didn’t know were there, forcing me to examine them and how they were tied to my other childhood/adult issues. It is hard for me to determine sometimes where one begins and the other ends. Do the stages of grief still apply when you’ve known about something horrible for most of your life? In this case, I think they just might.
My knowing before being told could have been attributed to little things like the way he put stress on the word father in a sentence, or how often he would bring it up. “I am your father" was peppered into my life, like some sort of mantra, in case there was any doubt forming.
On Father's Day, my existence is completely unknown to my bio-father, and to my step-dad I am pretty much just his wife's kid that he got stuck "raising".
One of the biggest parts of my personality seems to stem from the two-fold secrecy surrounding my conception. First, the effects of learning about such a secret had to have a major impact on my personality. Following the truth, the burden of the secret was placed on to me, as a child!
It took a DNA kit and it opened a pandora's box of emotions surrounding my conception. I hope to reach those with similar feelings and those wishing to understand. At the end of the day we are all experiencing the same core emotions. There are too many donor-conceived people for us to not have more of a voice. So here is my story.